


little talks

by mireailles



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, References to Depression, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mireailles/pseuds/mireailles
Summary: Porco, Marcel, eight letters and unspoken words.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: SNKTOBER Month 2020





	little talks

**Author's Note:**

> for SNKTOBER. Day 4: slice of life.

_Marcel,_

_You fucking tripped me._

_I can’t believe you thought you would get away with it either. You tripped me just as I was running past you, why? I don’t understand and you had the fucking nerve to tell me that the Eldians on Paradis wouldn’t play fair either. Like, I don’t know that. I do, I’m not like Annie, who doesn’t give a shit. I’m not like Reiner, going on about some stupid act of Patriotism._

_You should’ve tripped up Reiner instead. I don’t get why you’re so eager to pick a fight with me now._

_Porco_

  
  


Porco’s pushing past Reiner, slow as usual. 

He’s not really interested in beating him for the nth time, instead he’s aiming for Marcel. Marcel, who’s now leading everyone. He picks up the pace, watching as his brother comes into view. This time, he’ll win. This time, Marcel’s just gonna have to take second place. He’s moving past him when something stubs his foot. That’s really all it takes, he falls, headfirst on the ground. 

Completely winded, he looks up and sees Marcel turn his head just slightly and Porco swallows. Face hot with rage, he notices his brother’s foot come into step with his other and he can only watch as Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt all pass him by. Pieck’s a little slower and she looks like she’s about to stop to help him but changes her mind at the last minute and jogs off to wherever Bertholdt disappeared to.

He shoves his brother, hard when he does get up and everyone’s finished with their laps. Marcel doesn’t move, he stands up tall even though he’s only a few inches taller than Porco.

“You fucking tripped me.”

“So?” he says, nonchalant.

“Why?”

“Why?” Marcel repeats. “You think the Eldians on Paradis will play fair? I’m just giving you a taste of reality.”

“Reality? I’ll give you a taste.” He grabs Marcel by his shirt when he feels a hand on his shoulder. 

“That’s enough cadet.”

Porco looks up, sees Magath squeezing his shoulder. “He tripped me.”

Magath looks from Porco to Marcel. “Is this true?”

Marcel breathes in, straightens his shoulders. “Yes sir.”

Magath releases his grip on Porco’s shoulder and drags Marcel off. Ever defiant, Marcel’s back is straight as a rod and he walks like he’s ready to face whatever punishment Magath will dish out. Both Annie and Pieck’s eyes are focused on Magath and Marcel’s disappearing forms. Reiner’s panting, face red and hands on his knees. Bertholdt’s rubbing circles on his back. 

_Marcel,_

_So I heard mom telling you to be nice to me._

_Don’t. I don’t need your pity or your sympathy. You won, I always knew you would, I’m not mad about that. I’m not, it’s Reiner that pisses me off more. Mom and dad both said to accept it but I can’t. Reiner’s slow and dumb as an ox, the fact that he got picked and I just didn’t, I don’t get it. I’m still mad at you too, don’t think I would write you a letter just so I could bitch about Reiner._

_You didn’t have to tell Magath how much more dependable Reiner is compared to me. You didn’t have to tell everyone that I got mad and threw a tantrum when you admitted you let me win at checkers (I was five, for God’s sake). You didn’t have to tell Magath that I wasn’t fit for the mission, because I couldn’t handle myself in combat. It was Annie for fuck’s sake._

_You knew I wasn’t gonna win, I don’t what you did to switch me and Reiner but I know it was you._

_Porco_

  
  


Marcel's leaving by the end of the month.

Before that, he'll be shipped off to some undisclosed location for more training with his Titan. His parents and Porco aren't allowed to be there when they give him the serum and he swallows his predecessor whole. But his mother and father have to come in and sign some forms, while Porco and Marcel watch on.

"Gruesome stuff," Magath says, conversationally. He waves his hand. "Been in this business for years now and it never gets any better."

Porco's staring at the ground. Wooden floorboards, there's green carpeting where the desk is situated. It's got nasty water stains on it. His forehead on the desk, making his head throb. His mother reaches over and rubs circles on his back. He's sulking, he knows it and hates it.

He hates watching Reiner run up with his new armband. He hates watching his older brother get up early in the mornings for extra drills or training or whatever. He hates that now that things are winding down for him, he's being called back less and less. And his mother and father are at a loss of what to do with him. He’s lost a good couple of years off school for the program. 

Marcel shrugs like he's exasperated. "You can always find a job."

Porco shoves him for it, gets grounded for two whole weeks as punishment.

He's not talking to Marcel because it's the way Marcel wants it too. The way he packs his things methodically, not sparing a glance at Porco’s side of the room. The way he doesn’t include him anymore whenever he comes back home with Bertholdt and Reiner by his side. He says his goodbyes to their uncles, aunts. Their mother and father throw a huge party for him.

At the docks, they say their goodbyes. His mother is teary-eyed, hugs him tight and doesn't let go until his father pulls her away.

Marcel staring at Porco. "Well," he says.

He holds out his arms and Porco rushes into them. "I'm gonna miss you," he sobs.

"It'll be okay. Take care of mom and dad for me," Marcel whispers in his ear. "And Porco?"

"What?"

"I know this'll be hard for you but forget about me, okay?"

  
  


_Marcel,_

_Mom misses you._

_She acts like she doesn’t but sometimes I see her linger in the doorway to our room when she thinks I’m sleeping. Sometimes, she forgets I exist too. A few times, she was supposed to pick me up but she never showed up. Pieck’s dad always walks me home when she forgets. It doesn’t bother me, I think dad thinks it’s a phase and it’ll just go away on it’s own._

_I miss you._

_Porco_

  
  


He gets a job, works part-time as a dishwasher at a restaurant.

Before that, his mother and father try (in vain) to catch him up on his studies so he can go back to school. It proves too tedious and is dropped about a month in. Pieck's still called back in, more so now that her predecessor’s ending their term. Through her, he fishes for gossip and she's more than happy to oblige. He's got half a hand, pulls another card and bites his bottom lip.

"There's been contact with the Warriors on Paradis."

His eyes move from his cards to Pieck, she’s never been one to lie--withhold information from people she doesn’t respect, maybe but she never lies. “Seriously?”

Pieck nods. “Yeah, I can’t say much right now. They’re keeping it under lock, but there might be an announcement soon.”

“How much you wanna bet Reiner died?”

Pieck grins, mischievous. “I don’t think you wanna do anymore wagers.”

She slaps down her cards, sweeping up the game and collecting a week of Porco’s salary. If it were someone else, Porco would’ve flipped the table, called them a cheater but he knows Pieck. He knows what she’s capable of and he’s also aware that she’ll take pity on him. Help him close up the restaurant and then take him to a bar, order him a burger, fries and a beer before they say their good-byes.

The morning after, he wakes up bleary and a little hungover. 

His mother comes to get him and he’s escorted downstairs where Magath is sitting on the sofa, his father on the adjacent seat. Neither men say anything, and they’re both uncharacteristically quiet and pale. Magath, more so, he’s only ever seen the man barking orders and pulling him away from fights that he’s taken too far.

  
  


_Marcel,_

_So in the years I thought you were alive, you were actually dead._

_I can’t believe it, they said you died a warrior--a hero. They said you died trying to protect that idiot Reiner from a stray Titan and now that stray Titan’s surrendered herself. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve had the guts to do what she did, I don’t care enough about her though. She even had the nerve to name herself Ymir._

_It’s all been kept quiet. We had your funeral, did it like you wanted, close friends and family. Reiner and Bertholdt were there, I dunno what you would’ve thought about it if you were still around. Honestly, I didn’t want them there, Reiner especially. They said Annie was lost too, though she’s most likely presumed dead._

_Porco_

  
  


There’s been no contact with Magath since the day he came in and announced Marcel’s death.

Though, Pieck says there’s been a huge buzz about what to do with Ymir. Most likely, she’ll be fed to someone else, they’re not sure of the logistics and are running through the lists of names and candidates. Colt’s name seems to come up often, Pieck says. Porco shrugs, more surprised that Colt’s still very much in the warrior program. He vaguely recalls seeing Colt during the start of the program, then abruptly disappearing. But Pieck tells him they shifted him to another program earlier on as he showed promise but wouldn’t be needed at the time. 

That’s all Porco has right now, word of mouth from Pieck. His family life, he tries to take on shifts that are longer and end later. He goads Pieck into another hour of cards but she’s too busy with her own training to humour him. His mother sagged on the couch when they received the news. 

She hasn’t recovered since. 

She sleeps in her room most of the time and it’s awkward every time he sits and tries to have a conversation with her. Like some kind of formality, or a distant relative he hasn’t seen in years but pretends he knows who they are and his relationship to him. He sits on a chair, hands in his pockets and they try. God, how they try.

He asks her how she’s doing and sometimes she sits up and tells him she’s alright. Other times she just stares from her refuge under the blankets and all he can see is her blue, blue eyes on him. She pulls at her hair and loose strands come off. He grabs her hand and tells her not to do that, gently.

Magath’s made the mistake of mandating wellness checks on her and so, once a month, he comes home early. He gets her in the bath and washes her as best he can. Then he combs her hair, puts makeup on her, just hours before the officer arrives. He sets her down near her vanity, hair dripping with one of her better dresses on. The first few times, it’s a struggle but he picks it up quickly. 

He can distinguish the different colours now. He can tell what blush and what lipstick goes with his mother’s outfits. He grabs another chair and pulls it closer so that he’s face to face with his mother, tries not to stare at her sinking cheeks and the hollowed out look in her eyes. Then, he starts with the blush first, taking the brush and dabbing it on her cheeks. When it’s enough, he puts it on the vanity and takes out the lipstick. He goes around her lips carefully. It’s almost like handling a corpse, he thinks, she might as well be one.

His father comes and gathers her up. He takes her to the couch in the living room where she sits until the welfare officer arrives. They go through dates with her--today’s date, the date Marcel supposedly died. The date they receive the news of Marcel’s death. There are close calls.

Once an officer asks her about current affairs and she blinks like she doesn’t understand the question. “I don’t know,” she replies honestly.

His father comes to the rescue before Porco can say anything. “Well, y’know, we’re getting on in our years,” he says pleasantly. “Sometimes, I forget where I am half the time.”

And the officer laughs.

Porco sinks lower into his seat, feeling light-headed, relieved.

  
  


_Marcel,_

_Mom’s a mess. She stopped cooking a while ago. It was all downhill after that, she stopped dressing herself. She loses weight, her eyes always have black bags under them, no matter how much sleep she gets. And she gets a lot. I try to get her to eat but she only takes a few tiny bites and leaves the rest. I bring her downstairs and she just stares outside the window. Her hair is so thin now, you wouldn’t even recognize her. I used to wonder if there was a fate worse than death, I don’t have to now. Dad’s trying to hold everything together but nothing seems to work._

_I wonder if the pain is from losing one of her sons or if it’s simply being left behind._

_Porco_

  
  


Living in his house now, feels like living one extravagant lie.

His father doesn’t want him to talk about Marcel. First, it’s in front of his mother and then it slowly seeps into dinner when either Porco or his father have to make it and they’re both too exhausted at that point. Then breakfast and now, it’s everything. The only times he’s allowed to talk about Marcel is the wellness checks, otherwise, Marcel’s simply a gaping hole, his things buried in the attic somewhere. An empty bed on the opposite side of the room that his father tries not to look at whenever he passes by. A stain in their family history.

The phone rings when he gets home from work and Porco tosses his keys in a bowl by the entranceway before he picks it up. 

“Hello?” Magath says, voice more like a question. “Is this the Galliard residence?”

“Yeah, Porco speaking."

“I’m sorry, I meant to do this in person but things have been hectic.”

“Sir?”

“I wanted to let you know Galliard, you were chosen to inherit the Jaw Titan from Ymir. You have until Monday, I’ll be visiting in the morning. Think this opportunity over, talk to your parents about it. Both you and your brother have served admirably in the warriors program.”

He hangs up before Porco can say anything. The dial tone beeping in his ear, he lowers the phone, stares at it like he can’t believe it’s real. Just as Porco’s suspected, his father flies off the handle at the news. They get really into it, both too stubborn and proud to back down. Hurling insults, accusations. His father accusing Porco of betraying him, his mother and worst of all, his brother. 

Porco calling his father a failure, for letting his mother deteriorate into a husk. For not having a backup plan in case neither of them got into the program. For letting everything fall apart. They dig deep into each other and then, too tired to start again, his father picks up his fallen chair, walks away like they simply had dinner and nothing else. He must be desperate, Porco thinks, because he never goes upstairs to his room anymore. Usually he lingers in the living room for as long as he can. Porco runs a hand through his hair, picks up his own chair and tucks it back in.

Pieck listens quietly as they’re playing another round of cards. 

They’re not betting anything, Pieck’s cleaned out his week's worth of salary just yesterday so he doesn't have anything to gamble on. He tells her of the events that transpired last night and she listens. Or at least he thinks she’s listening, she’s looking down at her cards and nodding every once in a while. When he finishes, she breathes in.

“How did you tell him?” she asks, voice uncharacteristically stern. 

“Like normal,” he says shrugging. “Like I told you.”

She puts her cards down on the table, face down. “How did you really tell him?” she asks again, this time staring directly at him.

“Fine, it wasn’t gonna be pleasant, okay?” He slams his cards down, standing up. The chair tilts slightly but doesn’t fall over. “I knew that, I knew he wouldn’t take it well so I told him they offered me the Jaw Titan and that I’d accept. I didn’t give a damn what he thought.”

“I should’ve gotten the Armored Titan,” he continues. “It should’ve been me not Reiner--.”

“I know,” Pieck says, calmly. “You’re not the only one who thought that. We all knew, the only one who didn’t was Reiner. And maybe Bertholdt, you know how clingy he is to Reiner already.”

He hooks his foot on the leg of the chair and pulls it closer to him, sits back down and grabs his cards. He stares intensely at his hand like he can’t think of anything else to say.

“Listen, I know it’s tempting,” Pieck says, taking up her cards. “To just grab Marcel’s Titan and go through every memory but think about it. Just think about it, Porco, don’t make a rash decision you’re gonna regret.”

She drops her cards on the table, a straight flush. 

  
  


_Marcel,_

_Tomorrow, I’m inheriting your Titan._

_Both Reiner and Bertholdt have left already. They’ve been given new orders, and they’ve left with the War Chief and Pieck. I heard from Pieck that Reiner wanted to stay and talk to me but that didn’t happen. She says both him and Bertholdt are in hot water, so they’re trying to rush them off and fix the mistake they made._

_I haven’t been briefed on anything like that yet. But I have a full schedule with training and whatnot. Pieck told me to think things through but she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know how empty the house feels, she doesn’t know how dad’s taken down all your pictures, your achievements and shoved them in a box in the attic. I just want to find out what happened that’s all._

_Porco_

  
  


There’s an unsettling friction at his house when he quits his job and inherits the Jaw Titan from Ymir. 

His mother sinks deeper and both him and his father try to keep her afloat but it’s hard. She can’t make it to the living room anymore and on the visits, his father literally has to carry her. Her face close to his chest, she puts a hand up and Porco can see the bones on her wrist, her thin pale fingers and cracked lips smeared with lipstick.

They sit and make conversation with the officer like they’re not all dying on the inside. The mistake was telling his mother, he’s sure of it. She didn’t have to know, she could've lived her life blissfully ignorant. But it wouldn’t have sat right with him. When they finish his father glares at him while Porco slumps in his chair, defiant. 

Only Reiner, the War Chief and Pieck come back this time around. Pieck and the War Chief are unscathed but Reiner takes the brunt of it both physically and mentally. His head’s been shot off, the reports say. Because of that, he spends time in the infirmary, isolated. When he’s fully recovered, they reprimand him, it’s brutal and Porco feels vindicated by it. 

He comes out of it almost a different person altogether, that Porco barely recognizes him when they do meet. He’s gotten bigger, a stern, almost angry look about him. 

“He’s been like that since the first time he came back from Paradis,” Pieck whispers to him.

He hardly ever speaks about being a proud Marleyan anymore and looks disgusted whenever his mother does. 

  
  


_Marcel,_

_Things aren’t--they aren’t well._

_I told you about mom, but she’s just gotten a lot worse. I think, at some point she’ll just end up in a sanatorium. Dad’s in complete denial and some days, I think I am too. Sometimes, she’ll act like she’s okay and she can walk a bit but then she just sinks back down even worse off than before._

_I carried out another mission with your Titan, haven’t found any memory of you yet but I’m still hoping. I’ll be back home tomorrow. Dad said he’d pick me up but I’m not so sure. Pieck’s promised if he’s not there, her dad and her will just drop me off. Reiner’s been moving up the ranks with your persona, at least when he was on Paradis. These days, he shuts up when I tell him to. He acts like he’s got a stick jammed up his ass. I dunno if you saw but he got his head blasted off on Paradis._

_Fucking moron grabbing all the accolades on top of your and Bertholdt’s bodies and maybe even Annie’s. We haven’t had any updates on her or Paradis for the last three years._

_Porco_

  
  


His mother’s deteriorating at an alarming rate. 

When he’s not working or abroad, he’s either taking his parents to doctor’s appointments or loaning his father money. The house might need to be sold to cover the debts from the appointments. She sleeps mostly, looks like someone twice her age, barely eats or talks. She wears a shawl over herself as if perpetually cold. 

Once, in complete exhaustion, he confides all of this to Pieck. In a small room, he's lying out on the floor, staring at the ceiling. "Please don't tell this to anyone," he says. "I don't think I can handle it."

Pieck’s sitting on the edge of the bed, looping her arms in her crutch. The door creaks and Porco spots Reiner’s face silhouetted by the shadow of the door.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Reiner says.

Porco gets up and shoves him hard. “If you didn’t hear anything, you wouldn’t have fucking said anything.”  
  


They still play cards and gossip, though it’s more muted with Porco’s parents hanging over him like a shadow. At one point, he asks if they can stop playing for money so it switches to chores and who has to give bad news to either Reiner or Magath. With Porco losing most of the time, even then, Pieck takes pity and gives the news to Reiner herself. While the chores, Porco does without much complaint, whether it’s peeling potatoes or cleaning out the bathrooms.

Eren reveals himself and all hell breaks loose 

Maybe it’s the anger, maybe it’s him feeling emboldened to try and prove himself. He ends up shattering the War Hammer Titan right into Eren’s mouth. The loss is catastrophic, as Eren and his allies raze through Marley. By the end of it, Zofia and Udo are both dead. Falco goes missing, along with Gabi. Though, there are unconfirmed reports that they went up on one of the zeppelins. Reiner takes it hard but nothing really prepares him for Colt. Colt, always calm and quiet, is absolutely panicked. He paces back and forth and every time someone tries to speak up he interrupts--something Porco has never seen him do and tries to convince Magath and the others to set sail for Paradis.

  
  


_Marcel,_

_So, Reiner’s strong armed his way into convincing the top generals to attack Paradis._

_We’re going tomorrow, the place where you died. The place where everything just fell apart. I told mom and dad, said my goodbyes. I hope they’ll be okay. No party like last time, I don’t really need it. Maybe, I’ll be able to pick up some of your memories along the way. Don’t know if you remember but Gabi--Reiner’s little cousin and Falco, Colt’s younger brother apparently made their way on one of the zeppelins. It’s supposed to be a rescue mission but I feel like that’s being generous._

_Watch over me,_

_Porco_

  
  


Reiner comes up to Porco, dawn tinting the sky pink. “You don’t have to come, you’ve already proven yourself. If it’s just me, Colt and Pieck, it should be okay. Your family--.”

“Reiner stop,” he says. “Just stop, I’m tired of this martyr bullshit you’re pulling here.”

He takes up his duffel bag and swings it over his shoulder, walking ahead without even sparing another glance at Reiner.

“What are you trying to do exactly, Porco?” Reiner asks, head lowered and eyes to the ground.

Porco pauses near the walkway, doesn’t turn around, fingers digging into the handle of his duffel bag. “Me?” he says, turning his head slightly so that his eyes meet Reiner’s. “I’m just trying to survive.”


End file.
